Local Terrorist Cell Thwarted

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Drones and police helicopters filled the night sky over the modest ranch house in a Minneapolis suburb. Two armored vehicles were parked at either end of the block and dozens of SWAT team members crouched behind trees and shrubs, weapons pointed at the home of Jim and Tina Blaylock. According to a neighbor who wished to remain anonymous, he alerted police to what he called suspicious behavior exhibited by the Blaylocks.

“They’ve had their curtains drawn for three days now,” said the neighbor. “I’ve always had my concerns about them. See that lawn sign? It’s for a Democrat. And they’ve got a bumper sticker on their car that reads, “Practice Tolerance.” Might as well be flying the ISIS flag.”

When the Blaylock’s failed to respond to calls from the commander of the SWAT team to exit the house, shock grenades and tear gas were thrown in.

“See that?” added the neighbor. “Those are some hardcore terrorist SOBs.

Several bursts of gunfire suddenly erupted, but the target turned out to be a Halloween decoration on the porch. The life-size scarecrow was wrestled to the ground and cuffed by team members after it failed to respond to repeated orders to show its hands, even though, as this reporter noted, it did not have hands.

As the battering ram was being prepared near the front door, a vehicle pulled up and stopped near the house. The man and woman exiting the car claimed to be the Blaylocks who said they had been out of town visiting relatives for the past three days. A member of the SWAT team, who later claimed he heard them shout, “Alahu Akbar,” shot Mr. Blaylock in the leg and knocked Mrs. Blaylock out with the butt of his rifle.

In a follow up to the incident, Homeland Security told the Star Tribune that Mr. Blaylock has been sent to GITMO and Mrs. Blaylock has been admitted to a psychiatric hospital in Nome, Alaska.